Living like a pauper

My mother died a millionaire. Yet, she would sit in the dark waiting for her TV programme to start before switching on the television. She never put the heating on unless we had guests. She bathed using a flannel at the sink or a two-minute shower with a timer. All to save on bills. This, I believe, is another form of debt.

She never had the holiday of her dreams, ate in good restaurants and wore the sort of clothes she loved. She dreamed of owning an MG but refused to get one. She was so terrified of being in debt, that she lived as if she were. No food was thrown out, no money was spent on entertainment, fabric was bought second hand to make clothes. Everything was mean and scrimped on.

I inherited some of these characteristics. I felt a moral superiority that I was living on nothing. But if I was spending so very little on myself, how could I be in debt? I have worked with a number of people who, like me, could not understand how they could live on less.

The car breaks down and a bike replaces it, but then we can't afford the bike repairs. The washing machine stops working and we can't afford the launderette. The shoes have holes in them and we can't pay to have them replaced. Living on nothing costs a fortune.

I could not live on any less and I had no savings. I fell down into debt so fast and so much. I felt outrage at the unfairness of it all. No holidays, no fun and no life and here I was, owing loads of money. I was so bitter that life had been so unfair to me.

I had to learn slowly and surely that all these preconceptions about myself, and money were totally wrong. Simply living on very little did not prevent me from going into debt. What it did, was make me miss out on living.